January 2009
1 post
Missing the Point
Stage 1) The wife would put on audiobooks in a cd player on the kitchen counter loud enough to hear throughout the house. Stage 2) I bought her wireless headphones so we all didn’t have to hear it, which sounds pretty muffled but annoying several rooms away (can hear noise but not what they are saying) Stage 3) Buy her an iPod shuffle so she can pause, etc while she goes around doing what...
December 2008
1 post
November 2008
2 posts
Meet the New Site
Not the same as the old site.Posted by email from luomat’s posterous
Powerpoint Test
Testing what Posterous does with Powerpoint. Download now or preview on posterous Creation - God vs Satan.ppt (380 KB) Posted by email from luomat’s posterous
May 2008
1 post
Future posts will most likely be made to funsizebytes.com because maintaining two separate Tumblelogs seems to be somewhat defeating the purpose.
April 2008
21 posts
Al, Bill & Hillary
Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies: ‘Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”
God thinks for a second and says: ‘Very good. Come and sit at my left.”
God...
Thanks, Pretzel Man
(Scene at baseball game, this past Monday)
Ethan: I want a pretzel, can I get a pretzel?
Me: Of course, I love their pretzels too.
Ethan: When can we get it?
Me: In a little while.
Ethan: Can we get it now? I'm *really* hungry.
Me (knowing he really wasn't): Sure thing kid, let's go
Ethan: Why are all these people in line?
Me: Because they want something to eat too.
Ethan: Like pretzels?
Me: Maybe, they have other things too, like hot dogs, or..
Ethan: I don't want a hot dog, I want a pretzel
Me: I know, we'll get you a pretzel, I was just saying they have those too.
Me (to the man behind the absurdly busy counter): Can I have two pretzels and a diet coke?
Pretzel Man: Sure. (Puts two on a tray in front of me) That'll be $19 (I don't remember the exact amount, but, you know I'm close)
Ethan: I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: That's the only kind they have.
Ethan: But I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: That's the only kind they have.
Ethan (starting to tear up now): But I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: Ok, do you want something else?
Ethan (in full "tears in the eyes but I'm not going to cry" mode): No (sniff sniff sniff)
Me: They have.... (turning around to the board) peanuts.... popcorn...
Ethan: Popcorn!
Me: Ok, popcorn. (to Pretzel Guy) Can I give you one of these pretzels back (which haven't been touched by anyone except him) and get popcorn instead?
Pretzel Man: Sure.
Me: Sorry about that.
Pretzel Man: You know, they act like kids sometimes... because they're kids.....
Me (out loud): Yeah (smile, nod)
Me (thinking): I was less worried about him not eating a pretzel, and more worried about the possibility that your food service had a "If it hits your tray, you buy it" policy that was going to charge me $5 for twisted fried bread that he didn't want. But thanks for using my personal frustration as a moment to try and make me feel like a lousy parent.
Coda: The pretzel sucked. I don't know why these places changed from The Traditional Big Pretzel that you used to get everywhere, but all of the new models are lousy.
An Honest Question
Me: what's for dinner?
sister: meat, potatoes, veggies
me: define "veggies"
wife: "things you won't eat"
They think they're soooo funny...
Watching "Lost" with the Mrs.
Her: But he's dead! Isn't he dead? He's dead, right?
Me: Have you been paying attention at all?!?
...
Her: And he's gay?
Me: Well that is a surprise.
She has no future in a career in sales/marketing
Me: What do you want to have for dinner?
Her: We need to finish those leftovers before they go bad.
Me: Ok
Her: Sorry, I didn't sell that very well, did I?
(No, no you didn't.)
With Friends Like These....
Me: I am at DEFCON 3 about my paper.
E: You'll be fine
M: You will be fine. Let us know when DEFCON 1 hits.
E: and remember what happened with the last paper?
Me: Yes, but the last paper was not written for someone who resented my existence
E: This one is being written for your wife?
(Thanks for the support! I really need to find a better quality of friends.)
Words about Words
Her: I got you some of those... word books... that you wanted at the library.
Me: You mean 'etymology' books?
Her: You know what I mean.
(She wins again.)
Please, I Want The Whole Set
Part One was I’m F*cking Matt Damon! was brilliant, unique, funny, catchy. Still makes me laugh.
Part Two was I’m F*cking Ben Affleck!, a derivative work, sure, but he really took it up a notch, plenty of cameos. Good, good stuff.
Part Three is She’s F*cking Obama!, well done, nicely edited. Not as “LOL” inducing, but amusing.
But really, the set will not be complete until...
Oral-Me Toothpaste →
geekerella:
Questionable name for a toothpaste, but better than candy hearts for getting your point across.
Funny, my first thought was that it was a play on “Oral B” OTOH it sounds like Melissa Leong (see earthtimes.org article) has some oral issues she needs to work out.
Took a walk. Ate an apple.
Those are my 6 words for today.
(I’m assuming you’re keen enough to have heard the tale that someone supposedly asked Hemingway to write a story in six words and he apparently replied with: “For sale: baby shoes, never used.”)
In related news: WTF is up with all these different kinds of apples? There were at least 6 different kinds of apples, and there was an apple...
Talked Myself Right Outta That One!
Her (sadly): I'm not going to make it to my massage appointment. I'm still at home waiting for the repair guy. You might as well go ahead and take it.
Me (only half-paying attention): Oh, I'm on my way back from a meeting, I could just swing by the house and wait for them.....
Her (excitedly): That would be great!
Me: Wait, no, I mean...
(And so, at approximately 2.15 p.m. EDT, I successfully talked my way out of an unexpected massage. Way to go, jackass.)
Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex |... →
Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex
Step 1: Think. Step 2: Talk
T: Congratulations on getting engaged!
A: Thanks!
T: So how did he propose? Did he get down on one knee?
A: Yup! Slid right down out of the wheelchair and flopped around on the ground!
T: I am such a moron...
A: (laughing) That's OK, I'm totally going to IM him that later, he'll think it's hilarious.
(For the record: yes, this really happened, and no, I'm not the "T" listed above)
Chicken Soup for My Soul
All this talk about chicken soup reminds me of the time I made my wife laugh while she was eating chicken noodle soup.
A noodle came out her nose.
Fast.
And some broth.
(At least, I think it was broth.)
I thought it was hilarious.
She claimed it wasn’t funny and, quote “burned like hell.”
She usually has a much better sense of humor.
I wish I could remember what it was that...
“I think she’s Fen or Wiccan or some garbage like that. They have a whole...”
March 2008
17 posts
This Is Why I Rent Movies Alone
Her: Did we not have enough movies here that you felt you needed to rent more?
Me: I wanted to laugh, I wanted a movie I hadn't seen.
Her: What did you get.
Me: Death at a Funeral
Her: Well, that sounds like a laugh-a-minute.
(Sigh)
Could you give us directions to Olive Garden?
Tourist: Could you give us directions to Olive Garden?
New Yorker: No, but I could give you directions to an actual Italian restaurant.
Tourist: And that, your honor, is when I beat his arrogant New York City ass.
Judge: Sorry about that, we get a lot of these self-righteous windbags. Case dismissed, he had it coming.
(If you don't use Tumblr, the above probably won't make any sense. Nor if you are a snootier-than-thou blowhard who "wouldn't be caught dead at an 'chain' restaurant." Life is short, unclench your ass.)
What To Expect When You're Talking On A Cell Phone...
Wired: Love It or Hate It, In-Flight Cellphone Use Has Arrived
Found via: Geekerella Alert
As soon as I read that article, I imagined what it would be like to be sitting on a plane next to some self-important loudmouth jerk who can’t disconnect for 2 hours.)
Him: HEY BOB, GUESS WHAT? I’M CALLING FROM THE PLANE.
Me: Bob! He’s sleeping with your wife, dude!
Him: NO,...
Giving Me Things To Get Done
So David Allen just sent out information about a new free article that he has written about managing the onslaught of email. I decided I wanted a copy, so I clicked the link, where they told me to add it to my cart, then login to my account, then they emailed me 1) a download link, 2) a copy of my purchase request, and 3) a receipt. David, my friend, can I mention that if you had just given me a...
Unclear on the Concept
Wife: Don't forget I have book club tonight.
Me: Didn't you say that you hadn't read the book because you couldn't remember what it was?
Wife: Yeah?
Me: But you're still going to book club.
Wife: Why not?
Me: So this isn't so much a "book club" as it is an excuse to get away for a few hours.
Wife: Be home around 10 or so!
1 tag
It's Important To Be Able To Have Some Secrets
(On our way home today, Ethan was quite quiet and looking out the window, seemingly deep in thought.)
Me: What are you thinking about?
Ethan: Nothing, I was just looking out the window.
Me: Oh, ok, it just looked like you were thinking about something.
Ethan: No, I was just remembering something.
Me: What were you remembering?
Ethan: (Long pause) You really don't want to know
Me: Ok then
Why I Hate eBay
Auctioneer: Tonight we have this lovely WidgetRama 1000 for sale. Who'll give me $5?
Man: $5
Auctioneer: I have $5, who'll give me $10?
Woman: $10
Auctioneer: I have $10, who'll give me $15?
Guy: $15
Auctioneer: I have $15, who'll give me $20?
Girl: $20
Auctioneer: I have $20, who'll give me $25?
(Silence)
Auctioneer: I have $20 from the lovely lady in red, anyone bid higher?
(Silence)
Auctioneer: I have $20 going once....
(Silence)
Auctioneer: I have $20 going twice....
(Silence)
Sniper: $21!!!
Auctioneer: SOLD for $21
(bangs gavel)
February 2008
8 posts
As If I Needed More Proof
So I had my laptop open in class week, adding books to my Amazon wishlist as they were mentioned. The professor mentioned Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood.
When I clicked through I also saw CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! Strategies for Handling Your Fast-Paced Life which is by the...
I before E except after C
Emailing someone about a typo on their website is the electronic version of telling someone their fly is open.
For every person who replies with a word of appreciation, someone else asks me why I was looking at their crotch…. err, website.
As with open zippers, I don’t go looking for them, but when you see one, it’s hard not to notice.
Most don’t reply at all.
...
1 tag
Actual Question from the Application for...
If you have a street with is approximately as wide as 3 cars, that street should be:
A) One-Way with parking allowed on either side
B) Two-Way with parking allowed on one side
C) Two-Way with parking allowed on both sides
If you answered “C”, please call the Pittsburgh City Planner’s Office. You’re our kind of people.
(*) as imagined by me
1 tag
1 tag
