April 2008
21 posts
Al, Bill & Hillary
Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies: ‘Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”
God thinks for a second and says: ‘Very good. Come and sit at my left.”
God...
Thanks, Pretzel Man
(Scene at baseball game, this past Monday)
Ethan: I want a pretzel, can I get a pretzel?
Me: Of course, I love their pretzels too.
Ethan: When can we get it?
Me: In a little while.
Ethan: Can we get it now? I'm *really* hungry.
Me (knowing he really wasn't): Sure thing kid, let's go
Ethan: Why are all these people in line?
Me: Because they want something to eat too.
Ethan: Like pretzels?
Me: Maybe, they have other things too, like hot dogs, or..
Ethan: I don't want a hot dog, I want a pretzel
Me: I know, we'll get you a pretzel, I was just saying they have those too.
Me (to the man behind the absurdly busy counter): Can I have two pretzels and a diet coke?
Pretzel Man: Sure. (Puts two on a tray in front of me) That'll be $19 (I don't remember the exact amount, but, you know I'm close)
Ethan: I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: That's the only kind they have.
Ethan: But I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: That's the only kind they have.
Ethan (starting to tear up now): But I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: Ok, do you want something else?
Ethan (in full "tears in the eyes but I'm not going to cry" mode): No (sniff sniff sniff)
Me: They have.... (turning around to the board) peanuts.... popcorn...
Ethan: Popcorn!
Me: Ok, popcorn. (to Pretzel Guy) Can I give you one of these pretzels back (which haven't been touched by anyone except him) and get popcorn instead?
Pretzel Man: Sure.
Me: Sorry about that.
Pretzel Man: You know, they act like kids sometimes... because they're kids.....
Me (out loud): Yeah (smile, nod)
Me (thinking): I was less worried about him not eating a pretzel, and more worried about the possibility that your food service had a "If it hits your tray, you buy it" policy that was going to charge me $5 for twisted fried bread that he didn't want. But thanks for using my personal frustration as a moment to try and make me feel like a lousy parent.
Coda: The pretzel sucked. I don't know why these places changed from The Traditional Big Pretzel that you used to get everywhere, but all of the new models are lousy.
An Honest Question
Me: what's for dinner?
sister: meat, potatoes, veggies
me: define "veggies"
wife: "things you won't eat"
They think they're soooo funny...
Watching "Lost" with the Mrs.
Her: But he's dead! Isn't he dead? He's dead, right?
Me: Have you been paying attention at all?!?
...
Her: And he's gay?
Me: Well that is a surprise.
She has no future in a career in sales/marketing
Me: What do you want to have for dinner?
Her: We need to finish those leftovers before they go bad.
Me: Ok
Her: Sorry, I didn't sell that very well, did I?
(No, no you didn't.)
With Friends Like These....
Me: I am at DEFCON 3 about my paper.
E: You'll be fine
M: You will be fine. Let us know when DEFCON 1 hits.
E: and remember what happened with the last paper?
Me: Yes, but the last paper was not written for someone who resented my existence
E: This one is being written for your wife?
(Thanks for the support! I really need to find a better quality of friends.)
Words about Words
Her: I got you some of those... word books... that you wanted at the library.
Me: You mean 'etymology' books?
Her: You know what I mean.
(She wins again.)
Please, I Want The Whole Set
Part One was I’m F*cking Matt Damon! was brilliant, unique, funny, catchy. Still makes me laugh.
Part Two was I’m F*cking Ben Affleck!, a derivative work, sure, but he really took it up a notch, plenty of cameos. Good, good stuff.
Part Three is She’s F*cking Obama!, well done, nicely edited. Not as “LOL” inducing, but amusing.
But really, the set will not be complete until...
Oral-Me Toothpaste →
geekerella:
Questionable name for a toothpaste, but better than candy hearts for getting your point across.
Funny, my first thought was that it was a play on “Oral B” OTOH it sounds like Melissa Leong (see earthtimes.org article) has some oral issues she needs to work out.
Took a walk. Ate an apple.
Those are my 6 words for today.
(I’m assuming you’re keen enough to have heard the tale that someone supposedly asked Hemingway to write a story in six words and he apparently replied with: “For sale: baby shoes, never used.”)
In related news: WTF is up with all these different kinds of apples? There were at least 6 different kinds of apples, and there was an apple...
Talked Myself Right Outta That One!
Her (sadly): I'm not going to make it to my massage appointment. I'm still at home waiting for the repair guy. You might as well go ahead and take it.
Me (only half-paying attention): Oh, I'm on my way back from a meeting, I could just swing by the house and wait for them.....
Her (excitedly): That would be great!
Me: Wait, no, I mean...
(And so, at approximately 2.15 p.m. EDT, I successfully talked my way out of an unexpected massage. Way to go, jackass.)
Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex |... →
Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex
Step 1: Think. Step 2: Talk
T: Congratulations on getting engaged!
A: Thanks!
T: So how did he propose? Did he get down on one knee?
A: Yup! Slid right down out of the wheelchair and flopped around on the ground!
T: I am such a moron...
A: (laughing) That's OK, I'm totally going to IM him that later, he'll think it's hilarious.
(For the record: yes, this really happened, and no, I'm not the "T" listed above)
Chicken Soup for My Soul
All this talk about chicken soup reminds me of the time I made my wife laugh while she was eating chicken noodle soup.
A noodle came out her nose.
Fast.
And some broth.
(At least, I think it was broth.)
I thought it was hilarious.
She claimed it wasn’t funny and, quote “burned like hell.”
She usually has a much better sense of humor.
I wish I could remember what it was that...
“I think she’s Fen or Wiccan or some garbage like that. They have a whole...”
