It Occurs To Me...

Missing the Point

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 18:04:47 -0500

Stage 1) The wife would put on audiobooks in a cd player on the kitchen counter loud enough to hear throughout the house. Stage 2) I bought her wireless headphones so we all didn’t have to hear it, which sounds pretty muffled but annoying several rooms away (can hear noise but not what they are saying) Stage 3) Buy her an iPod shuffle so she can pause, etc while she goes around doing what she does. Stage 4) buy portable speaker so she can listen in car (which lacks tape deck or iPod inputs) Stage 5) she walks around house with audiobook playing on portable speaker, rendering roughly the same effect as Stage 1.

I’m not saying this Dairy Queen might have over-bought on...

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:11:41 -0500

I’m not saying this Dairy Queen might have over-bought on their placemats, but this picture was taken on December 8th!

Meet the New Site

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 00:07:36 -0500

Not the same as the old site.

Posted by email from luomat’s posterous

Powerpoint Test

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 23:28:45 -0500

Testing what Posterous does with Powerpoint.

Download now or preview on posterous

Creation - God vs Satan.ppt (380 KB)

Posted by email from luomat’s posterous

Future posts will most likely be made to funsizebytes.com because maintaining two separate...

Fri, 02 May 2008 08:43:44 -0400

Future posts will most likely be made to funsizebytes.com because maintaining two separate Tumblelogs seems to be somewhat defeating the purpose.

Al, Bill & Hillary Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al...

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 23:53:41 -0400

Al, Bill & Hillary

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies: ‘Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”

God thinks for a second and says: ‘Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill. ‘Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies: ‘I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.”

God thinks for a second and says: ‘You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

Then God addresses Hillary. ‘Hillary, what do you believe in?”

She replies: “I believe you’re in my chair.”

I have to be honest with you… some of you are not going to...

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:18:00 -0400

I have to be honest with you… some of you are not going to make it until morning. Look to your left, look to your right, either one of them will not make it, or you will not.

I would like to tell you that you are going to a far, far better place, but I won’t lie to you, in truth, it’s kind of a sh*thole.

How Hillary can still win (might be easier to go back and...

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:06:16 -0400

How Hillary can still win (might be easier to go back and assassinate Lincoln before he signed the Emancipation Proclamation)

Thanks, Pretzel Man

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:55:00 -0400

(Scene at baseball game, this past Monday)
Ethan: I want a pretzel, can I get a pretzel?
Me: Of course, I love their pretzels too.
Ethan: When can we get it?
Me: In a little while.
Ethan: Can we get it now? I'm *really* hungry.
Me (knowing he really wasn't): Sure thing kid, let's go
Ethan: Why are all these people in line?
Me: Because they want something to eat too.
Ethan: Like pretzels?
Me: Maybe, they have other things too, like hot dogs, or..
Ethan: I don't want a hot dog, I want a pretzel
Me: I know, we'll get you a pretzel, I was just saying they have those too.
Me (to the man behind the absurdly busy counter): Can I have two pretzels and a diet coke?
Pretzel Man: Sure. (Puts two on a tray in front of me) That'll be $19 (I don't remember the exact amount, but, you know I'm close)
Ethan: I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: That's the only kind they have.
Ethan: But I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: That's the only kind they have.
Ethan (starting to tear up now): But I don't want *that* kind of pretzel.
Me: Ok, do you want something else?
Ethan (in full "tears in the eyes but I'm not going to cry" mode): No (sniff sniff sniff)
Me: They have.... (turning around to the board) peanuts.... popcorn...
Ethan: Popcorn!
Me: Ok, popcorn. (to Pretzel Guy) Can I give you one of these pretzels back (which haven't been touched by anyone except him) and get popcorn instead?
Pretzel Man: Sure.
Me: Sorry about that.
Pretzel Man: You know, they act like kids sometimes... because they're kids.....
Me (out loud): Yeah (smile, nod)
Me (thinking): I was less worried about him not eating a pretzel, and more worried about the possibility that your food service had a "If it hits your tray, you buy it" policy that was going to charge me $5 for twisted fried bread that he didn't want. But thanks for using my personal frustration as a moment to try and make me feel like a lousy parent.
Coda: The pretzel sucked. I don't know why these places changed from The Traditional Big Pretzel that you used to get everywhere, but all of the new models are lousy.

An Honest Question

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:58:29 -0400

Me: what's for dinner?
sister: meat, potatoes, veggies
me: define "veggies"
wife: "things you won't eat"

They think they're soooo funny...

Watching "Lost" with the Mrs.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 20:17:18 -0400

Her: But he's dead! Isn't he dead? He's dead, right?
Me: Have you been paying attention at all?!?
...
Her: And he's gay?
Me: Well that is a surprise.

She has no future in a career in sales/marketing

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:17:37 -0400

Me: What do you want to have for dinner?
Her: We need to finish those leftovers before they go bad.
Me: Ok
Her: Sorry, I didn't sell that very well, did I?
(No, no you didn't.)

With Friends Like These....

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:12:49 -0400

Me: I am at DEFCON 3 about my paper.
E: You'll be fine
M: You will be fine. Let us know when DEFCON 1 hits.
E: and remember what happened with the last paper?
Me: Yes, but the last paper was not written for someone who resented my existence
E: This one is being written for your wife?
(Thanks for the support! I really need to find a better quality of friends.)

Words about Words

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:04:59 -0400

Her: I got you some of those... word books... that you wanted at the library.

Me: You mean 'etymology' books?

Her: You know what I mean.

(She wins again.)

Please, I Want The Whole Set

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:31:00 -0400

Part One was I’m F*cking Matt Damon! was brilliant, unique, funny, catchy. Still makes me laugh.

Part Two was I’m F*cking Ben Affleck!, a derivative work, sure, but he really took it up a notch, plenty of cameos. Good, good stuff.

Part Three is She’s F*cking Obama!, well done, nicely edited. Not as “LOL” inducing, but amusing.

But really, the set will not be complete until someone creates the 4th and final episode. Please, for the love of $DEITY, someone simply must create:

Part Four: George W Admits:
I’m F*cking Retarded!

I await your YouTuberry, my Internet friends.

Oral-Me Toothpaste

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:49:38 -0400

Oral-Me Toothpaste:

geekerella:

Questionable name for a toothpaste, but better than candy hearts for getting your point across.

Funny, my first thought was that it was a play on “Oral B” OTOH it sounds like Melissa Leong (see earthtimes.org article) has some oral issues she needs to work out.

Took a walk. Ate an apple.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:04:20 -0400

Those are my 6 words for today.

(I’m assuming you’re keen enough to have heard the tale that someone supposedly asked Hemingway to write a story in six words and he apparently replied with: “For sale: baby shoes, never used.”)

In related news: WTF is up with all these different kinds of apples? There were at least 6 different kinds of apples, and there was an apple chart over the apples to describe the apples. Except that all of the explanations pretty much sounded the same.

I realize that there are some apples that are better for cooking and some are better for eating, but why can’t we just have two bins, one marked COOK ME and the other marked EAT ME. Ok, maybe there are better names, but you get the idea.

Settled on a “Gala” apple, took it back to the water fountain, washed it off, dried it on my shirt sleeve, paid for it (97¢ on my credit card since I never have any cash), walked out the door and started eating it.

The cause behind this was roughly 47 people coming into the office and saying “Isn’t it a beautiful day outside?” to which I answered “I wouldn’t know, since I’m stuck in here.” Ok, I didn’t, but I wanted to.

It is indeed a lovely day, high 60s/low 70s. Sunny, not humid. Nice.

I’m quite sure that my body has no idea what just happened to it (“Wait, we’re going outside, for a walk, and getting fruit? There’s bad news, isn’t it, and this is the way you’re trying to tell me, right?”)

If the forecast for the week holds up, maybe I’ll do it again tomorrow and take a picture of the ridiculous signs over the apples.

I turn my back for one second…

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 13:13:39 -0400

I turn my back for one second…

I Am Jack’s Excessive Self-Reflection There are 4...

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 01:29:00 -0400

I Am Jack’s Excessive Self-Reflection

There are 4 different audio commentary tracks on the DVD for Flight Club. Four. I’m not sure there are 4 audio commentary tracks on the Schindler’s List DVD.

And the one which lists Helena Bonham Carter? Apparently she recorded her thoughts and they spliced them in with David Fincher, Brad Pitt and Ed Norton’s comments, because the 4 of them never actually talk, and you can tell that she seems to be in a completely different place.

Talked Myself Right Outta That One!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0400

Her (sadly): I'm not going to make it to my massage appointment. I'm still at home waiting for the repair guy. You might as well go ahead and take it.

Me (only half-paying attention): Oh, I'm on my way back from a meeting, I could just swing by the house and wait for them.....

Her (excitedly): That would be great!

Me: Wait, no, I mean...

(And so, at approximately 2.15 p.m. EDT, I successfully talked my way out of an unexpected massage. Way to go, jackass.)